The title quote comes from the lips of the villainous Sir Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) in the 1979 James Bond movie Moonraker. The line genuinely bugs the crap out of me. Here’s why.
Drax is in the middle of a phone call, attempting to hire some new henchman muscle. Quite who he is calling is not specified, though I’m assuming you won’t find “GoonsForHire” in your standard copy of Yellow Pages. Anyway, there he is, phone in hand, when the mysterious individual on the other end suggests the metal-toothed moron Jaws (who is returning after an apparently popular appearance in 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me). “Oh, well!” Drax responds, in a state of astonished rapture “yes, if you get him…”. Now, this line grates on me for two simple reasons: 1) it seems to imply that criminal ‘genius’ Hugo Drax can somehow believe Jaws is really really good at his job, and 2) it seems to imply that Drax is suprised that an assassin of Jaws’ *ahem* ‘calibre’ would be available for work. Which is clearly ridiculous. How on Earth can Drax possibly think hiring Jaws is a good idea?
Let’s look at Jaws’ track record shall we? Now certainly, the first hour or so of The Spy Who Loved Me sees Jaws assassinating a cringing wimp and a greasy fat guy, but somehow neither of these strike me as particularly difficult targets. We’re then treated to a further hour and a half of Jaws being thrown out of windows, comically punching walls instead of Bond, accidentally driving his car off of a cliff, having the shit kicked out of him by Barbara bloody Bach, etc etc. Eventually Jaws gets his comeuppance because, in all absence of the most basic common sense, he decides to have his final showdown with Bond in a room housing a great big bloody electromagnet. Hardly A-grade material in the assassin/thug/henchman community, I should think. He then reappears at the beginning of Moonraker in order to attempt – and entirely bungle – a mid-air assassination of Bond himself. Worst of all is that Jaws’ employer at the time of his first appearance, ocean-obsessed lunatic Max Stromberg, is eventually shot several times at point-blank range by Bond, with Jaws nowhere to be seen.
Now, call me picky, but if I were a genius megalomaniac with half an eye on Global genocide and/or domination (hey, I said IF), then no matter how desperate I was I’d like to think that I would take one look at that C.V. and completely piss myself laughing. What the Hell is Drax thinking?! “Oh wow, he was thrashed several times and his boss was brutally murdered by the exact same British agent who is attacking my operations now?! He is a MUST-HAVE!!!”. I mean, honestly, where is the logic?***
Regards,
Marwood.
***Then again, I’m questioning the ‘logic’ of a movie which makes no sense on any level whatsoever. Seriously, go watch it. What the hell were they thinking?!
